Saturday, 19 November 2011


project is over - it went really well.
I'm now a week into decompression and I feel like crap.
I ache, I'm tired, the self loathing is at an all time high.

I have cooked lots of amazing food in the last week so eating healthily will be easy for the next 10 days and then I get to go away to the sunshine which will be lovely.  My exercise kicks off tomorrow with a pilates day which should be great and then I want to keep it going until I go away.

I know objectively that these are good things.  I'm just not feeling it right now.

Saturday, 15 October 2011


I really need to set aside a regular time each week to go through internet dating emails and respond.  I think it's been about two weeks since I logged-on last!

ok - I have a plan...

... last week at work was crazy-mental (the start of the tender response process and seeing how reality responded to plan) culminating in a fuck-up in IT leading me to think that all of my work from the previous two weeks had gone (it looked for a moment [read - 2 hours] that a server-crash had restored to a back-up from September 27th and also over-ridden all of the back-ups in between). It was all ok in the end but, needless to say, I was pretty broken by the end of last night.

the solution for restoration of sanity was that I got up this morning, reworked the plan for the project, figured out exactly what I need to get done this weekend, and then spent the rest of the day in Westeros (I'm a third of the way through Book 3).

tomorrow I have a lot of work to get through, but I think it's manageable, and I hope that having chilled out today will make it easier. I've also got to remember that I've had flu in the last 2 weeks and am not completely better, and that I mustn't let my confidence go on this project (as client seems really happy and they're talking about bringing me back in January to run another project for them).

ahhh - just remembered that I forgot to pick up my dry-cleaning AGAIN today. It's been two weeks and if I don't go and get it, they'll throw it out! I think maybe that I need to pick it up on Monday morning (which means not going to the gym before work, so maybe not). Ok - will have a think as to how to solve...

but really - I DO have a plan. It will be ok. Honestly.

in other news - I really do need to arrange what to do for my birthday on Monday - I am excited as I get to be 33 and I haven't done that before!

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

So I don't think the LJ thing is working out...

... I think I may come back here and hang for a while.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

new url for my blog

I've been happy on blogger for a few years now, but over the past few months I haven't been blogging as I've felt uncomfortable always making everything public. For this reason, I've decided to try using my LJ as my primary blog:

I'll still be posting most things as public so you don't need to have an account to view them, but some entries will be for my LJ friends only. If you're on LJ (and you're my friend), then friend me!

Saturday, 20 March 2010


after pottering around the flat today, I've realised quite how much stuff I own. This isn't a problem, as I have a large flat, but it got me thinking that I probably have enough. So, for the next while, I'm going to try not to buy any more. I have enough handbags and shoes and clothes and books and DVDs and other random stuff. I've got things for winter, for spring, for summer, for autumn. I've got jewellery and watches, sunglasses and pretty much everything I need right now.

the only thing I think I may need to buy in the next few months is a second pair of proper trainers - I've started running and if I carry on and want to train outdoors, it would be sensible to have two pairs.

although this isn't about money, I think it would be good for me to stop spending as much. I'd like to save for a deposit for a flat, but more than that, I think I need to re-adjust my relationship with money. I earn a fair bit and right now, a couple of hundred quid doesn't seem like a lot of money. I want to get back to the place where I think it is. Where I don't take having money for granted, and I don't use spending money as a way to change, reflect or enhance my mood.

it might not work. My will power might not be high-enough. I may see a new dress in Hobbs that I just have to have. But I'm going to try. It will be interesting (for me, anyway) to see if this changes anything else.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

the year in which I learnt things I didn't know I needed to learn...

it has been an odd year - some highs, lots of lows - I won't be sorry to see it end.

it's been a year where I've had a lot of things thrown sharply into focus, particularly in regard to areas of my life I thought I'd dealt with and lessons I assumed I'd already learnt. The main things are:

1) I need to stop being too self-reliant, both in my professional and personal life. I have amazing friends and if I don't go to them when I need to, I'm belittling my relationship with them. I've learnt the hard way over the past couple of months that asking for help in a work environment is not a bad thing either - I need to make sure I do that more.

2) I still have a lot of body issues. I have a negative loop that runs like this: I am anxious - I am fat - I am anxious - I am fat. The loop can start at either of the points and circle from there. I'm much better than I used to be (I no longer act on the emotion), but I still have a way to go.

3) I need to spend time on my mental health. If I ignore it when I'm in a good place, I don't realise when it gets bad. This is a thing I thought I'd learnt already but 2009 has shown me that it's still a work in progress.

4) I have no work/life balance. I generally love my work, spend my time doing what I'm great at, and focusing on it energises me. When I do work that I don't have a natural affinity for (and therefore don't enjoy), it drains me completely. Implementation projects fit in the latter category and I should not do them.

5) Contrary to popular belief, I'm quite an introvert. I enjoy spending time on my own, in my own space and not communicating with the outside world. When things get tough or stressful I use my own, safe world as a place to hide. I need to recognise this as there are times when I need to push myself to be more sociable and make connections with other people. That can be quite scary sometimes and the more time I spend on my own, the scarier the outside world seems.

I'm looking forward to next year. The things I've learnt along the way will stand me in good stead (If I can remember them...).